Blog

By Sarah Paradise

My journey to Judaism has had many beginnings; starts and stops of learning through the years. I was raised Catholic in a rural/suburban region which was a 99% White, Christian and hetero-normative area. Not the most ideal for a young LGBTQ identifying female desiring to being Jewish to explore her faith. For this reason, I had to first wrestle with my own definitions of identity on who I was and wanted to become before I could “officially” make the first steps in the conversion process.

I remember hearing about Jews throughout my education. Mainly through studying different parts of history and the Holocaust. My first true introduction to Judaism as a religion was when I was a 14-year-old freshman in high school learning about World Religions in my History class. At the time I was disenchanted with the Catholic church and questioning my beliefs. While I’ve always been drawn to learning about other cultures and desired to learn more, this was the first time I questioned how I wanted my faith to look in the future. I was drawn to Judaism in a way that just made sense to me, as no other religious expression had before. I began to soak up all the knowledge I could about the religion itself, the history of the Jewish people, and Biblical novels centering on women of the Hebrew Bible; our matriarchs: Sarah, Rebekah, Leah, Rachel, and the others that followed.

By the time I was 16 I knew I wanted to convert. I had spent hours researching the process on the internet, reading books from Borders (I still miss that store), and any movies/stories I could on the topic. I even contacted a Rabbi via email to ask how the process may work. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the full support as minor to take the next steps, so I continued to study in secret for many years vowing when I was 18, I would start the conversion process on my own.

Life began to get in the way. Long hours working food and various retail jobs made it hard to observe Shabbat and college wasn’t going to pay for itself. Aside from taking an Introduction to Judaism class in college and other Jewish history courses for my degree in History, I didn’t get the chance to connect with Judaism in person or through guided study at this time as I originally thought. I began exploring my sexual orientation/identity and (I know now falsely) thought there was no place for me at any religious table. By the time I was 21, I was “out” in that manner but still regarded my desires for Judaism as an “eventually.”

I met my now wife at 22 and while I told her from the beginning conversion was a goal of mine (to which she supported from the beginning), I only intermittently acted on this. More long hours, grad school, career building, a wedding and other various life events continued to get in the way. When I was 31, we decided to start a family and with the goal of a child in mind I revisited my interest in conversion. I finally got up the courage to go to several services and even made an initial call about conversion. However, morning (aka all day) sickness got in the way as did my fear of truly taking that step stopped me yet again from going further.

After having my daughter in 2019, I knew it owed it to myself to take a chance on myself and my beliefs. The desire to convert had never left me over all these years, now more than half my life. I realized I owed it to her too, to model for her what it means to truly embrace yourself and what you want in life. I started searching for local synagogues in the area, as well as Intro to Judaism classes. I signed up for the January 2020 class and vowed it would be my year to officially study and take the next step I had been wanting all this time.

The class was great! It reminded me of all the reasons I loved Judaism to begin with and validated to me that I wasn’t alone in my desire to convert. It also showed me there was plenty of room at the table for someone LGBTQ to also be religious and share in the light of Judaism. In keeping with my goal, I began to not only take the class, but to be more observant at home; lighting candles on Friday nights, attending services, and observing holidays. I made an appointment with Rabbi Amy right before Purim to discuss starting the conversion process and felt as if I was walking on air.

Then COVID-19 through a curveball in all my plans. All this time of starting and stopping, I decided I was not going to let a global pandemic get in my way. I decided to connect on Facebook with other converts, finished the class through Zoom (I also signed up for it again next term virtually due to having mom brain and COVID fog), and began regular video calls with Rabbi Amy to make my dreams a reality. I have continued to take on all the joyous ways to celebrate the holidays and I am starting to find my own traditions for each one (mostly via food). I’ve begun making challah, trying new recipes, and since March we’ve had it most weeks. It has filled my heart seeing that my now almost 2-year-old puts her hands over her eyes before lighting the candles and can hardly wait to grab a piece of challah. To see her sniff the cloves on Saturday evening, and clap her hands when we lit candles for Hanukkah this year gave me a new appreciation for my journey. Sure, it would have been nice to convert sooner but this way I have experienced it not only on my own but also through her eyes.

The thing I love most about Judaism is the cultural love of constant learning and growth, especially in faith and practice. The ability to question and encouragement to do so has been so refreshing compared to my religious upbringing. I look forward to knowing while I am now “officially” converting, my journey to Judaism has really just begun. I look forward to the days I can attend classes/workshops in person and get to know others in the community and grow my Jewish network of friends and family. I look forward to continuing to find traditions with my own little family and continue to see this through my daughter’s eyes. And while I plan to give her this foundation, I look forward to seeing how she grows and will support whatever path her life takes.

While I don’t plan to change my name legally (my parents didn’t realize they actually gave me a Jewish name already) I am deciding to take on the symbolic Hebrew names of Tzipporah Yael for myself. I love the visualization of the meaning of the two together; a “bird” and “ascending.” I feel that is a metaphor for myself on this journey, flying out own my own and continually rising above. I look forward to where my flight leads and meeting others along the way.